Blasphemous Nutrition

Recognizing and Implementing Boundaries to Live an Authentic Life with Tina Stinson

• Aimee Gallo • Episode 18

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Episode Summary:

Are you a chronic people-pleaser? Do you struggle with creating and holding boundaries? In this episode of Blasphemous Nutrition, Aimee interviews Tina Stinson, a boundary expert and life coach. Tina shares her personal journey of learning to set boundaries after significant, traumatic life events.  Tina provides practical strategies for recognizing when and where to set boundaries and offers advice on how to have difficult conversations with others. The conversation highlights the power of being authentic and the benefits of surrounding ourselves with people who respect our boundaries. Listeners are encouraged to embrace their authenticity and prioritize their own needs and given strategies to begin doing so.

Key Takeaways:

  • Setting boundaries is essential for self-care and protecting our well-being.
  • Boundaries are the foundation of deep-level self-care and self-worth.
  • Recognize patterns and situations where boundaries need to be set.
  • Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion as you navigate the process of setting boundaries.
  • Difficult conversations can lead to deeper connections and stronger relationships.

Notable Quotes:

  • "Boundaries are the foundation to all that deep-level self-care and your self-worth."
  • "You should never have to light yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm."
  • "Boundaries are about protecting the energy around you."
  • "You are the person who makes the rules for you, not society, not this other person."
  • "Every time I've been honest, even when I feel like I'm going to puke, it's always been the best thing I could have done."

Resources:

Find Tina:
Soul Aligned Self Care Podcast
Free Gift: Tina's Most Downloaded Meditation Bundle: https://www.tinastinson.com/sasc-meditation-bundle-oi
Website: https://www.tinastinson.com
Join Tina in the Soul Aligned Self Care Insiders Group for Daily Deep Level Self Care: Soul Aligned Self Care Insiders | Self Care, Mindset, Meditations, Finding Calm in Lifes Chaos | Patreon


Photography by: Dai Ross Photography
Podcast Cover Art: Lilly Kate Creative
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Hey Rebels, welcome to Blasphemous Nutrition. Consider this podcast your pantry full of clarity, perspective, and the nuance needed to counter the superficial health advice so freely given on the internet. I'm Amy, the unapologetically candid host of Blasphemous Nutrition and a double degreed nutritionist with 20 years experience. I'm here to share a more nuanced take. On living and eating well to sustain and recover your health. If you've found most health advice to be so generic as to be meaningless, We're so extreme that it's unrealistic, and you don't mind the occasional F bomb. You've come to the right place. From dissecting the latest nutrition trends to breaking down published research and sharing my own clinical experiences, I'm on a mission to foster clarity amidst all the confusion and empower you to have the health you need to live a life you love. Now let's get started. Tina Stinson is a life coach and host of the soul aligned self care podcast. In this episode of Blasphemous nutrition, Tina and I meet to discuss the complexity of learning, how to create healthy boundaries, including how to recognize when you need to create boundaries and where you need to create boundaries, as well as the process and outcomes of doing so. Tina shares so many fantastic relatable examples from her own life offers clear strategies. And we get down into some real talk on what it means to claim your life and your time for what matters most to you. If you enjoy today's episode, be sure to also listen to Tina's podcast. To subscribe to blast Ms. Nutrition, if you have not done so already. And without further ado, here's the conversation. You

Aimee:

Tina Stinson, welcome to Blasphemous Nutrition.

Tina:

Oh, well, thank you for having me. I'm excited for our conversation.

Aimee:

Yeah, when you, um, called yourself a boundary badass, I was like, whoa, stop the presses. I need this woman on my show. We got to talk. Yeah, absolutely. So why don't you, share a little bit with our listeners how you came to, how you came to don that, that identity and really integrate that as part of yourself. Were you born that way? Did you come by it through the school of hard knocks? Yeah,

Tina:

definitely was not born that way. so yeah, it was a necessity at some point in my life, but, because I was in, a very verbally abusive relationship for a long time. I, I learned to become. somewhat of a professional people pleaser in order to protect myself and survive. And I feel like a lot of people do that. but I really mastered it, but I did it also in a way where I didn't even realize I was doing it, and coming out of that relationship and starting to rebuild my self worth, and connect with myself. I realized that, I needed To set boundaries and I learned that boundaries were the foundation of all my deep level self care in order to, help myself recover and survive coming out of that relationship. I did have a stroke, which led me to my health journey. And so, the stroke was caused by stress. So I was just trying to like figure out all these different ways where I could. give myself the best odds, so to speak, to have a healthy, happy life where I was, thriving and not just surviving. And so that's where the boundary bed ass came in. But it was, it was a process. It was a really, really long process because when you're in that people pleasing mode for a really, really long time, it's, you know, it's undoing something that you've been doing for a long time. So it takes time to. Undo the mindset, the whole thing around it, and it really kind of, um, dismantles your life because when you're a people pleaser and you're doing it almost like subconsciously, you're not really aware of it. You're doing it with everyone. And so. All of my relationships, and I had some really strong long term relationships, even with my girlfriends and stuff like that, I realized were not really based on who I am. It was based on who I portrayed myself to be in order to make somebody else comfortable.

Aimee:

Wow. Yeah. So in that, I mean, now I imagine really shook things up. not just for you, but again, for everyone around you, because they expected, they expected a certain, they expected you to be a certain way, right? And when you make this decision, right? Like you draw the line in the sand and you're like, okay, things have to change. It's for you. It was literally essentially a life or death situation called you up to step into this. You know, I am imagining all these scenarios in my head where you come to this realization that how you, how you behave in the world really has to change. And what you need to do to protect yourself necessitates changing how you relate to everyone. And I'm not,, I don't know if that happened all at once or it was the sort of peeling back of the layers of realizing, Oh, I'm doing it here. Oh, I'm doing it here. Oh, I, it's everywhere. Oh my goodness.

Tina:

Yeah, yeah, it is, it is a little bit at a time. And the same goes for the shifting of the people in your life because when I talk to people about boundaries, I always say a lot of people are afraid to set boundaries because they're afraid of losing friends and losing loved ones. And I'm like, if that person. That's meant to be in your life. They're going to be in your life. And if they're not, it's not going to be like this big devastating final ending. It's going to shift over time and it fades out. So people fade in and people fade out. And the people that truly, truly love you and care about you aren't going to get upset when you set boundaries. And what happens when you're a people pleaser is you automatically attract Some of the worst kind of people that now that doesn't mean if you're a people pleaser, everybody around you is bad. It just means that it does tend to attract somebody who's like a narcissistic personality. And so those are the people that are going to get really kind of pissed off when you start to grow, grow a backbone and start to send, set those boundaries to protect your own wellbeing. And so, it really does. it sounds scary when you talk about it, but in the long run, it is absolutely beautiful because you, you know, the people that are meant to be,, in your surrounding, the people that are there to build you up and support you and that you're good friends. And then, the people who really weren't a good friend and it doesn't mean that you might not ever talk to them again, but it does mean that you're going to limit. Um, and protect yourself. And so the setting of those boundaries is the key thing. And you know, I can't say it enough. Boundaries are the foundation to all that deep level self care and your self worth. it just really is. Like you can't, you could do all these different other self care practices and all these other things to help, help yourself improve that love that you have for yourself. But if you don't have strong boundaries, it's, it's going to be like this constant battle. So setting those boundaries to support yourself are, is just so important. It's like the foundation.

Aimee:

It's, it's that it reminds me very much of that analogy of Using a pail to throw water out of a sinking ship, right? You can do everything that externally, right? But if you continue to allow people to overstep, your boundaries, if if you are aware of what they are, or take your time from you for their needs and not yours, because you aren't advocating for your own needs. Then you're left in a perpetual deficit that you're always scrambling to, to try and mitigate.

Tina:

Mm hmm. That's a perfect example.

Aimee:

Yeah, you can't really ever get ahead in that situation.

Tina:

Yeah. Yeah. So, and, and as you mentioned, you know, sometimes it can be really hard to figure out where you need to set boundaries because people might be like, yeah, I think I need to set boundaries. I'm,, I'm constantly, doing all these things for others. And so there's certain like questions. That you can ask yourself and there's certain the first step to anything is always awareness, right? And so there's certain questions you can ask yourself and certain behaviors you can keep your eye out for in yourself to first become aware of whether you need to set a boundary or not. And so, some of the things I see. from almost all people that need boundaries is they say things like, nobody appreciates me. You know, everybody always walks all over me, right? And, and setting boundaries is like the strongest way you can call yourself out. It really is, right? Because you're in that victim mode a little bit. And so it's, it's like, everybody walks all over me and nobody appreciates me. I do all this stuff and nobody even sees it above, You find if you find yourself saying that a lot and especially with certain people, then that's a clue that you might need to set a boundary, right? And then another thing is if you find yourself like softening your personality or your behavior or restricting your personality behavior in front of certain people in order to avoid some kind of a crisis, it could be like somebody else's outburst or some kind of judgment or something like that. Yeah. Then that might be a place that you need to set a boundary and make a shift, right? Um, and I always say there's a quote I can't remember who said it, but you should never have to light yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm and it's It's the it's the perfect example. I can't remember who said it, but it's so graphic

Aimee:

but something that graphic is needed in this situation because I don't think we It is so subtle and and so accepted right, There's particularly among women, you know, to be that people pleaser that I think we don't often fully realize the extent to which it is self harm

Tina:

to

Aimee:

perpetually be in that position where you are sacrificing yourself for everybody else's needs and wants. And oftentimes it's not extracting from you. It's, their whims and their desires because they know you're, you're up to task to do it.

Tina:

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And, and another thing that is, is really difficult for, I find with a lot of women is, having them support their own boundaries. So like everybody is completely different, right? So everybody has a certain amount of stress they can take until they break. Everybody has a certain amount of, uh, uncomfortable situations that they can take before they end up, you know, with, disabling anxiety, you know, everybody is different. So my boundary might look different than your boundary. And, when somebody, if you're around a person, Who doesn't want you to set a boundary because it takes away from their experience, then they're going to question the boundary and they're going to make you question yourself. And so they'll, they'll be like, that's a ridiculous boundary. how, how could you, how could you do that? How could you say that or whatever, whatever the challenge might be, but you have to know what's good for you and how much you could take. What I can take might not be as much as the person over there can take. It might just,, maybe I'm, maybe I'm soft, you know, maybe I, I tend towards stress and anxiety, which I do. Right. So I know how I feel in my body. And so setting these boundaries is almost like learning to trust yourself and how you feel again, because you really have to like tune in to how your body feels. And it tells you when something doesn't feel right, right? And sometimes boundaries shift. So when you go through a healing period, and you start to reduce your stress, you start to set boundaries, you have more tolerance for certain things, and you might not need to like set boundaries as strong as they are to protect your energy. so say yeah, even as something like a boundary with yourself or something is like, you know, when I go to a party, I can go to a party for two hours and have a really good time. But after that party, I'm spent, like I'm spent. So don't plan an activity after a party. Or, if you have to, like, if you have a meeting with a person, or sometimes, if I have a difficult client, it could really, really suck the life out of me. I love my clients, but I take on their emotions, right? And I know this about myself. So. I respect the boundary I set is I'm going to create space after that client so that I could do some breath work or go for a run or go for a walk to release the energy because I'm, I'm taking on their emotions. And so I know this about myself. No, not everybody's like that. Right. But I am. And so I don't take on as many clients just to protect my energy and my wellbeing. Right. So boundaries aren't just about like, You know, uh, trying to get somebody else to behave a certain way for yourself. It's about protecting the energy around you,, and I think one of the hardest concepts to like kind of absorb is that when it comes to boundaries, it's 100 percent your responsibility. It's not anybody else's responsibility to respect. I'm using quote marks right now. Respect your boundary. It's not about like, I set a boundary and they didn't listen to me and that's it. They, they don't respect me. And it's not about that because if a person cares about you, they're going to figure out that you want to change a certain behavior and it doesn't happen. Instantaneously, when you set a boundary, most people are so focused on themselves that they're not doing this on purpose to you. They don't mean you harm. And so part of setting, I always say setting and maintaining about boundaries, part of that setting is maintaining it. Like part of the, it's a complete process. If you don't maintain it, there's no boundary. and so, so it's like you have to go through the continuous process of saying, listen, you know, when you do this, it, it, this is how it makes me feel. And I just want to share that with you. And, if you keep doing this, then I'm not going to be able to continue this conversation or whatever, and there's ways to do it where you don't sound like you're like put laying the law down or something like this. You're really sharing with the person that. You might not be trying to make me feel this way, but this is how this is the experience I'm having. And so I, this is what I'm going to do every time you do that. And, and then when I do it, then you have to maintain it by reminding them, this is what I'm going to do now, because, you know, this doesn't work for me. And there's, there's Boundaries that you set, in your business. So I always, I always use this example because it was, it was a hard lesson for me, to learn. So I used to sell real estate, and I was a single mom with three kids, and so if I If I like with real estate, you only make money when you're selling something, you don't have a salary or anything like that. And so it's really hard to contain yourself and take time off. And so one of the boundaries that I set with my clients and with myself is that after, I don't remember what time it was, but after six o'clock, I'm not going to be taking any calls and I will turn the call the next day. And the only time. that wasn't the case was if I was in the middle of a negotiation because you can't do that when you're negotiating, right? So that was the recording on my phone when people called me, right? And you know, you know, when your cell phone rings, you could see who's calling you and you're like, it's so difficult to like not answer the phone when you, if it's a client or something like that, because you're so afraid of losing that client. But,, I set that boundary so that I had time with my family, so, uh, it wasn't just about other people respecting my boundary. It was about me respecting my boundary. And the second I answer that phone, I'm not respecting my own boundary and there's no boundary anymore. and we

Aimee:

teach others how to treat us. Exactly. And when we've been doing it one way for so long, it often does take repetition and consistency to teach them to treat us differently and to treat ourselves differently as well. Yeah. Because that, that again, like when you set a boundary for yourself and you violate that boundary you have created for yourself, nobody's going to know, but you, exactly. Exactly. And if you don't, like, I think if you don't value and respect yourself enough at the onset, you can effectively become as harmful to yourself as someone else could be to you because, again, you're not respecting your own boundaries that you're setting for yourself with very good intention to get your life to a place you want it to be. And that's, do you have any words of wisdom? Anything that you can share in that area of, of developing that, that resiliency with yourself, right? Because again, nobody's watching you. And I mean, I think, I think in your situation, it was such a severe wake up call that I imagine as soon as, I am imagining this, but I don't know that to be true, that as soon as you were realizing there was a boundary that needed to be made. And what that boundary was, you were making it and holding to it because the consequences but I, you know, I don't know that. And I'm certain you've worked with people who haven't had such a severe wake up call and struggle with maintaining the boundaries that they're setting for themselves. Would you have any. Any, any advice or pearls of wisdom that you could share?

Tina:

Well, it all, it really, there's so many different topics that kind of relate to each other. So you have the boundaries, you have, that connection with yourself, almost like that, that gut intuition, and then you have your self worth and your self love and they're all like connected in that way. And I would say, I would agree with you that when you don't respect your own boundaries with yourself. it could be as harmful. I would go even further and say it's almost more harmful because your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship that you can have. And reminding yourself of that is like the first step to even before you even set those boundaries with the other people, you have to have respect for your own time and your, your, your health. And so it's about. It's about the process of continuously. It's almost changing a limiting belief. It's like this continuous process. So like you've had this, this behavior. So it's almost like a river that's been flowing in a certain direction for a long time. And it makes, it creates that groove and it's over there. and then you're trying to change that behavior and to make it go into a more positive direction. It's going to take a little time to create that groove. And so I feel like the. One of the first things that you have to realize is that you have to be kind to yourself when you're trying to set these boundaries, because if you're doing it in a way where you're like, I did it again, you know, I wasn't able to do it. It's more about looking at what happened. And then you saying to yourself, okay, What did I learn here? You know, because it's going to pop up in all these different situations, like so many different situations, right? So what did I learn here? And what's the shift I need to make in order to move forward and have better success than the next time? And. The kindness part is like so huge, you know, and there's going to be so many. I don't like using the word failure because people have defined it in such a negative way, but you don't have success without failure. And so the more times you fail, the better, so the more times you fail setting boundaries with yourself and with others, the more you're going to learn about yourself and other people. And the more you'll move, you'll move faster towards success. If you do that, and so I think the biggest thing there's no secret thing that you can do. I think the most important thing is to be kind to yourself and make it a point to reflect every time you think that It didn't go the way it was supposed to, or you have a failure, you know, exactly what can I do differently? How can I shift? How can I make this easier for myself to move through? You know, using a very simplistic example of the, the phone call, so like I get a phone call from a client and I, I'm not in the middle of a deal with them, but. I knew they were getting ready to write an offer or something like that. And they call me, it's 7 30 at night. And Oh my God, I didn't close any deals this month yet. So what do I do? I answer the phone and I'm like, okay, well, how could I, how could I make that boundary work better? So what I could do is. I'm working closely with this client. I know they're going to write an offer soon. Tell them, I have a policy. I don't answer the phone after six o'clock at night. If you need anything, make sure you call me before six o'clock at night. Otherwise I'm not going to be able to talk to you till the next morning. And so you're just looking at how can I make that work better for myself? So it's not as painful. Now that person knows that if you don't answer the phone, it's not that you don't want to write the offer for them. That's your boundary and they were people respect that,

Aimee:

and they often admire it. I think particularly with work boundaries have become so non existent in so many different areas. That's someone who's willing to maintain some is, you know, maybe they're not Depending on the personality, maybe they're not, necessarily admired for it, but they will be respected, whether a coworker agrees with your boundary or thinks it's okay or not okay or cast judgment or doesn't, on some level, they will respect you for standing up for yourself.

Tina:

Yeah, and like using the same example, moving into a negotiation process with a client who knows that you have boundaries isn't going to try to walk all over you during the process because, and they're there, they know that other people aren't going to walk all over you either. You know, and so they know that you're the person for the job. And so there's just so many benefits to setting boundaries. Now going into the workplace, it could be really, I've worked with people trying to set boundaries in the workplace. And it's really, really hard when you, like I was employed by myself. So nobody's going to fire me, you know? So setting boundaries with a tough boss. Is really difficult. And it's almost like, you know, so like say you're being overworked and you're being handled all these projects and then you're like, you can't even get it done in a 50 hour work week, let alone a 40 hour work week. And this guy, this person comes up to you and says, here's another project. And it's like, how are you supposed to handle that? And it's like, well, you could say something like, Oh, Which one of these projects is your priority because I want to give you my best work. So if you're giving me this as your priority, then I'm going to have to, put this project so and so project on hold in order to get this done for you, because I want to give you my best work. So it's not like saying, no, I can't do this. It's saying, well, if you want me to do this, then I have to let go of something over here. And so there's like, It's almost like the all these little micro conversations that you have to have with a person in order to get it across without saying, screw you, I'm done, like, you know, and sometimes there's no resolution, and it's about finding a different job, and so I would say those are very difficult boundaries to set, personal relationships also obvious for obvious reasons. Emotional reasons are so difficult to set boundaries with people, especially with, children and parents. I had trouble setting boundaries with my children, but, I Especially when I was a single mom because you're always like in this position of almost feeling like they're being shortchanged because they don't have both parents in the household and you feel like, I don't know, feeling sorry for them is the right wording for it, but you almost feel like you have to overcompensate as a single parent. So it was really hard for me to set boundaries with my kids and saying no to things and I was lucky enough to have really great kids that didn't take advantage of that. But it is difficult to do and it could be a real struggle, but there's, there's steps that you can take to get comfortable in the process, and I always tell people, make a list, you know, like the awareness is the first thing. So those questions that I talked about at the beginning, and it's like, take note of those situations and those people and then notice the pattern. So I noticed that with this friend of mine, like she always does this over and over and over and over again. That's a pattern. That's where you need to set a boundary. If it only happens once and then it never happens again, you know, I wouldn't even be concerned about it. But if it's something that's continuous and you might know, like off the top of your head, Yeah, I know who I need to set a boundary with, right? Yeah. I'm sure there

Aimee:

are plenty of listeners who are already like, Oh

Tina:

yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so it's like, I would make a list. I'm a list person. Not everybody's a list person, but I would make a list and you could do it in a couple of different ways. If you've never set a boundary and you're really nervous about it, you could start really, really small with a very easy one. And. I would go as far, because I did this, as coming up with a script, write it out. what are you going to say to that person? And if you know the person really well, what are they going to say back? And how are you going to handle it? How are you going to move forward, right? And practicing that, practicing that script in the mirror, or even with another person who supports you, support you is the key word. Yeah. And getting comfortable with saying it to yourself before you say it to someone else. I was so. I was so beaten down that it was so hard for me to set boundaries. So hard. And once I started setting boundaries with that person I was in a relationship with, they did not like that. At all, you know, and and it actually brought an easier end to the relationship than if I had to, if I just cut it off completely, like, at that point, because they were the type of person that you attract when you're a people pleaser that like to take advantage of that and about heat. If he wasn't going to get that from me, he was going to go find that somewhere else. and so then that brought the relationship to an end. And so it doesn't have to be this big, huge, dramatic. like experience or ending. And so, just taking those baby steps, or if you're very uncomfortable and you have a little bit of confidence in yourself, and you're like this, this boundary right here is the one that's going to make me feel so much better. If I set that one first, even if it's a big one or a hard one, But still do the script, practice the script, practice the different scenarios, practice how you're going to manage your emotions when you go through it. How are you going to not yell? if the other person's like a yeller and that maybe that's even part of the boundary, how are you not going to yell back? You're like, and I always tell people it's um I always tell people it's perfectly acceptable. To do what feels best for you. And if you need to end the conversation and say something like, listen, I just need a little space right now. Can we like talk again about this later? You know, even if that person is in a fit of rage, like, and then say, I need to, I need to remove myself from this situation. And I will talk later and just remove yourself from the situation and whatever feels right for you is acceptable because you Are the person who makes the rules for you, not society, not this other person, not, the way you were trained as a child. And I say trained because women are trained to be very submissive and very people pleasing. and so like it's about really getting to know yourself and how you feel in your body and, and then also being honest at the same time, not taking advantage of boundaries, using it to just like block people out that, so you don't have to deal with an uncomfortable situation that should be dealt with. You know,

Aimee:

that's, that's an excellent point because we do, we are in the middle of a, you know, what we call cancel culture where, uh, The standard practice these days seems to be to just cut someone off rather than give yourself and that other person their respect and dignity of, letting them know why.

Tina:

So,

Aimee:

I, I appreciate you, you mentioning that. Something else that also came up for me when you were talking about leaving was, um, you know, getting out of a situation if someone won't respect your boundaries. Thank you. Is that that can literally mean. Hanging up on them, getting in your car and driving away if you have to, right? When you need to get out of a situation to recollect yourself, right? To get regrounded. I know for myself, one of the things that I struggled with, when I was learning boundaries was that if someone, if I was in an argument with someone. And they were starting to dominate, I, I would disappear. I would like, you know, completely, almost like go out of my body and disappear. And then it was whatever they needed to calm down so that I could feel safe again.

Tina:

Right.

Aimee:

And when I started getting that kind of that internal, that internal voice was getting a little bit louder and I was more connected to myself and I was ready to change that situation. I had to physically, I mean this was back when you didn't hang up the, well you hung up the phone and then left the, left the receiver. Yeah. Yeah. Way back in the day. Um, you know, leave the phone off the hook and, you know, get in my car and physically leave the premises because I, I could not stand up for myself if I wasn't connected to myself.

Tina:

Mm hmm.

Aimee:

And I couldn't continue the conversation in the manner that I needed to if I was, you know, if I was. In that high level of reactive mode, right? Yeah. Yeah. To come back to myself.

Tina:

Yeah, it's so important. Yeah. And talking about like the cancel culture thing again to also, yeah, it's like some time, as soon as you start making assumptions about someone else's behavior, you're in trouble, right? Because you, you don't know. And you can't like, you know, like, when going back to the comment, um, nobody appreciates me, everyone walks all over you. Probably not true. Probably not true because it's just you not creating the boundary and people are human nature is to like, okay, well, she does this all the time. So it's okay. You know, it's human nature. It's not that they don't like you or they don't appreciate you. And so if we are assuming someone's behaving a certain way for a certain reason, Then we're already losing. So it's more instead of just like canceling them out. It's about having the conversation with them. even a person that's being somewhat, um, I'm not saying to stay around an abuser, but a person that's yelling and, um, losing control of their emotions in that way. They might be in a lot of pain. And if, if you can show that you can have a conversation with them in a calm matter, they might reflect that back to you. Now, if that doesn't, if that doesn't happen, then yeah, of course, remove yourself from the situation, but you might, Connect on a deeper level in that relationship, you know, and if you're just going to like walk away from it because you're uncomfortable, I, I, I really it's like every situation is different. And I feel like I'm walking on like thin ice here because, if you're in a domestic violence situation, then you need to like get help in that situation. So I'm not really talking about that. I'm talking about it. the person that you are, you're close with who might be having a situation might be having some kind of a, they might need help, and so not to, completely write it off, try to have the difficult conversation. Don't shy away from the difficult conversation. I know it's so icky and it can make your skin crawl, but they can be so powerful sometimes and bring you closer to a good friend. Instead of losing a good friend, you know, so it's a, every situation is different and you have to be able once again to connect into your body and know what's right for you in that moment. And if it's walking away, if it's going into another room, if it's hanging up the phone, whatever it is, or if it's trying to in a calm voice, continue the conversation, then that's. that's what you should try to do. So I, I would encourage people to, not always make assumptions about other people and how they're feeling until you've actually asked them to express that to you.

Aimee:

Yeah, exactly. Have them explicitly state to you what is, what is going on for them. If you feel like, if you feel like you can like say, this is what I'm perceiving from you, right? This is taking this assumption, but I, I want to check that assumption. Is this true? Yeah. I think those, like those conversations are so terrifying. Honesty is, honesty is terribly scary, but, um, you know, every time, every time that I've been honest. Even when I feel like I'm going to puke. Yeah. Yeah. It's always, it's always been the best thing that I possibly could have done. And what you said, like what you've said about making friendships closer, you know, it's true that the depth of, of friendship and. love that happens when you can show up honestly and just be like, this is who I am. This is how I feel. And they receive that. And they accept that the level of trust that's developed is so deep. And that person in seeing you doing it is also more willing and more likely to go a layer deeper with you. Right?

Tina:

Exactly. Somebody has to take the first step.

Aimee:

Yeah. And we're all terrified. We're all terrified to take the first step.

Tina:

Absolutely. Where everybody, I always say there's always magic on the other side of discomfort. And like you said, anytime I'm scared to do something, I look at it and I'm like, it's probably exactly what I'm supposed to do. It's, almost always, I'm not telling people to jump, go pet the line, you know, but it's, you know, like for example, when I first started my podcast, I did, uh, like, solo shows only. And I Terrified to do guest episodes, absolutely terrified because, I was a little intimidated by the technology and I didn't want to embarrass myself and I wanted to, remain professional. And so it took me a while. And so I eased myself into it by having people I know on first, to make it easy, but I knew that that was the one step I needed to take. To grow, even though it was terrifying to me. and it's, like I said, there's always magic on the other side, the amount of amazing people, like I met you, obviously, right? The amount of amazing people I get to talk to and meet and I've made friends, so it's like, I'm like, it's amazing. So, and if I just remained Like scared and in that place, I would have never met all of these amazing people and, had different opportunities presented to me. And so I always, whenever I, I feel that fear, I'm always like, Oh, I'm so scared to do something. And I I recently said this somewhere else. I don't even remember where I said this, but it's kind of like when you have to. Jump in the pool and the pool is cold and, there's the people and I'm one of these people so I'm not like coming down hard on you or anything, but you know, you stick your foot in and then you ease yourself in and then you're getting trying to get comfortable and it's like torture. It's like slow torture and then when you get to the belly part, it's like freezing and you're like, oh my God, and then dipping your head under is like the worst part when I know for a fact that I could just jump in. Really fast. And within like a minute, I'm going to acclimate to the water. And then I, you know, I remember doing this when I was a kid, like swimming at night, then you get you're in the water and actually you get comfortable with the temperature of the water. And then when you come out of the water, It's cold and the water feels warm. So it's, it's like such a perfect metaphor because once you make that big step and you grow, you become comfort, you become comfortable in that expanded position. And that's what it's all about, right? Isn't that what life's all about is about growing and trying new things and moving forward. And so, fear is always like a sign that a sign of something, you know what I mean? It's a sign of something and it could be like I said, magic on the other side and, taking those steps, even when it comes to being, like I talked about how I was a people pleaser with my friends where I just was, I just morphed my personality into, uh, what I thought they liked. Right. And so one of the things I noticed that was like an aha moment for me when I started, showing up as myself, was that all my friends were so different that if I put them all in a room, they probably wouldn't get along. And, and it's because I wasn't attracting people that were like me. It was because I was morphing. Myself into what they were. It was such a like weird realization. I had

Aimee:

that moment And and yeah, when I realized like I said like I was segregating my parties and my yes and I was like I was scared to have them all come together because What would they think of each other? And then what would they think of me if I wouldn't they knew I was friends with that person, right? And then exactly. Yes so much drama in my head You

Tina:

Yeah. And it's, it's so much energy that you're wasting just by not being yourself, not showing up a hundred percent authentic, like uncensored version of yourself. Right. And you, you're really, that's really what your purpose is here. Like you're supposed to,, you were born here. There's nobody else like you. In this time period, like you're completely unique. Why would you not show up as yourself? Like I spent so much of my life not showing up as myself. I just feel like, I was meant to learn this lesson. So to share it with other people, cause otherwise what a waste it would be. And so when you have a friend that seems so different from you and you show up a certain way, In order to be accepted by that person. Or you think if I show up as myself, they're not going to like me anymore. Try it out. Like, so I love this example. So say that you're like inside your closet, spiritual person, like you're super woo, woo, and you're like, Oh, the, the, the crystals and stuff. And you like the tarot cards and you love talking to psychics and stuff like that. But you have this really conservative friend that you've been good friends with for 20 years and they think that stuff is just all a bunch of BS. At least that's your assumption, right? But then one day you have the courage to talk about an experience you had and then they say back to you Oh my god, I love that I love reading my horoscope or I look, you know, whatever. And then, and then think about it. You don't lose a friend and then you have this deeper connection with them where you get to share this whole other side of yourself with them. So why not just show up like that in the first place, and it might not turn out that way. They could look at you and be like, whatever. Okay. But then keep showing up that way. Maybe they'll embrace it. Maybe they won't. But the, the point is, don't you want to surround yourself with the type of people who are meant to be around you, right? And not like some kind of choreographed, life that isn't really honest, you know,

Aimee:

awesome. I feel like I need, I needed that today. You know, I, this, this podcast is still new and, uh, it took me, I think I, I first thought about doing a podcast, I want to say it was probably 2019. So it took me a hot minute to actually like drive up the ovarian juice necessary to hit.

Tina:

Yeah. It's hard. It is.

Aimee:

And I knew because I knew if I was going to do this, I really needed to do it from a place of being authentic and being real with all of my blasphemous, scandalous opinions. And, it was a really long time before, before I felt like, I could do that and be strong enough to handle whatever came back at me by doing it. Yeah. And, and you know, now that I'm a couple months in, I, I'm catching myself starting to censor myself again. Mm hmm. So, I really appreciate you showing up and reminding me not to do that.

Tina:

It's a continuous process, like, I have to continuously remind myself to do things like that. and I think it's just, it's, it's a part of being human, you know what I mean? But the more that you can call yourself, it's so much easier to just show up as yourself. It's so much less work, like you, it's part of, you know, like what I do is like help people reduce stress and anxiety, overwhelm and burnout. Right. That's like my main goal is to help people avoid what I went through. And when you reduce the amount of energy you're putting towards being inauthentic or whatever you want to call it. you have, you just feel more relaxed, there's less stress, it's just so much better. And it's, it's a hard shift to make and it's a gradual shift and it's a lifetime process, just like everything is,, your health, right. Eating, nutrition, physical exercise, everything is a lifetime process that you have to continuously work on. So that's part of it.

Aimee:

Definitely. Is there a question that I haven't asked you that you wish I had asked you?

Tina:

Not really. I think this was a really great conversation about boundaries. You know, I got to really like express myself fully. So thank you for that. I appreciate that. I'm so passionate about it.

Aimee:

My pleasure. I'm really grateful that you had so many wonderful suggestions and examples for listeners, because I think for those who are, you know, In that place where they know that something needs to be done, and they are not really sure how to start about it, how to go and do that, having those examples and those ideas for them to begin that process is so, so helpful because clear boundaries are not Well modeled.

Tina:

Yeah. No, especially for women. Like you said, it's, it's really, it's really hard. And some of the people I work with are in their sixties and their seventies, you know? And so it's like, it's never too late to start the process. I started in my forties, you know what I mean? So,

Aimee:

yeah, it is never too late. And, and it doesn't, it, yeah, it does not matter. Doesn't matter how old you are. If you're still alive, you have opportunities for better friendships, for better relationships, for a better life for yourself, as long as you're breathing. Yeah. That opportunity exists.

Tina:

Yeah. And the world needs that version of you. Like that's why you're here. We

Aimee:

do need, we do need our elders to be kicking some ass. That's for sure. Oh my

Tina:

God. Yes, we do. We need them right now. We

Aimee:

do. Someone's got to get these young people into shape.

Tina:

Yeah. Yup. Yup. They need this, all the support they can get. It's a tough world right now. For

Aimee:

sure. For sure. What is the biggest takeaway that you hope listeners get from our conversation today?

Tina:

I really, I really hope that they start to examine and just become aware of where they might need to set a boundary and that they, remember to always be kind with themselves as they're moving through the process, taking those baby steps, just remember to be really kind with yourself.

Aimee:

Thank you so much, Tina.

Tina:

Thank you for having me. It was great.

Aimee:

I've got one last question for you, though. I'm not letting you off the hook yet.

Tina:

Uh oh. Okay.

Aimee:

What is one thing about you that others would find blasphemous?

Tina:

Oh, oh, I got a good one. I really don't that I am a garlic farmer. Really? Yes. I'm a, I'm very new at it, but I did know I have a garlic farm and an herbal farm like I grow herbs and stuff like that. And yeah, this year I have, uh, a thousand. bulbs planted. And my son is partnering up with me because I did it. I did 400 last year and boy, was that a lot of work. so he's partnering up with me this year. Yeah. So I'm the garlic queen.

Aimee:

I have so many, I have so many questions. So I, my undergraduate. Biochemistry professor would have such a wonderful time talking with you.

Tina:

Yeah,

Aimee:

she did. She did research on multiple on garlic. And, yeah, she was absolutely enamored with garlic as, as one should be

Tina:

Yes. I absolutely, I love garlic and it's, it's so healing and it adds so much flavor. It's so powerful. Yeah, and then I, got into the herbs too. so I make my skincare out of my herbs. herbs add a lot of, as, you know, nutrition into your diet. And so they're so powerful, so beautiful, and garlic is so easy to grow. I would encourage everyone to try to grow garlic at some point. Just make sure you're always using organic when you're growing it. But yeah, it's so easy to grow. It's so rewarding. It's amazing. I find it amazing that you put one clove of garlic in the ground and then in one season you have this whole bulb. Like I'm always amazed by seeds. Like I, I'm fascinated. So I'm definitely a hobby farmer that I love it. But this year I'm actually going to the farmer's market and selling my stuff. So I was

Aimee:

going to say a thousand bulbs of garlic seems a little, a little aggressive for a hobby.

Tina:

Yes. Yeah. So we make the garlic braids, those beautiful braids and I make these, balls out of like, so a lot, not everybody wants. 10 to 12 bulbs of garlic, like not everybody's like me, like a crazy garlic person, but so I make these little bulbs and then I decorate them with some of the flowers that I grow on the farm. So I grow like straw flowers that are like dried flowers already dried and just make these beautiful creations. So yeah, I, I really enjoy it and it's so peaceful being out in my garden. I love doing it. That's fantastic.

Aimee:

Thank you so much for sharing that about yourself. That's awesome.

Tina:

Sure. Yeah, I love it. Sure.

Aimee:

Well, Tina, I'm so glad to have had you on and I'm gonna figure out a reason to have you back because I really appreciate all of the wisdom and the tangible, actionable steps that you've offered our listeners today. And I'm certain that they would benefit from hearing more.

Tina:

Oh, I would love to come back. I enjoy talking to you too.

Aimee:

All right. Take care.

Tina:

Bye.

If you have found some Nuggets of Wisdom, make sure to subscribe, rate, and share Blasphemous Nutrition with those you care about. As you navigate the labyrinth of health advice out there, remember, health is a journey, not a dietary dictatorship. Stay skeptical, stay daring, and challenge the norms that no longer serve you. If you've got burning questions or want to share your own flavor of rebellion, slide into my DMs. Your stories fuel me, and I love hearing them. Thanks again for tuning in to Blasphemous Nutrition. Until next time, this is Amy signing off, reminding you that truth is nuanced, and any dish can be made better with a little bit of sass.